Satire

Gay Astronaut Flap Dogs Kerry Campaign

John Kerry’s campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination struggled to stay on-message today after a gay rights group urged the candidate to recruit homosexual astronauts for America’s space missions. A little-known group, the Organization of Gay...

Rush Limbaugh Vows to Continue Oxycontin Use Through November Elections

Right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh has promised his listeners he will not swear off the addictive painkiller Oxycontin “no matter what the consequences” until George W. Bush successfully occupies the White House for a second term. “It’s going to take...

Critics call on God to take responsibility for Iraq mess

God was on the defensive today as a call for Him to take responsibility for the problems in Iraq spread from the Congress to talk radio and the Sunday morning talk shows. Publicly, God is resisting calls to issue a mea culpa. Privately, he is “obviously...

U.S. Taps Private Sector to Rescue Iraqi Cultural Institutions

Expressing “shock and sympathy” at the looting of the Iraq National Museum, the National Library, and other cultural institutions after the fall of Baghdad, President Bush assured the Iraqi people and horrified world opinion that America will “act...

Blair Offers U.K. as Target of U.S. Invasion

Tony Blair has invited the United States invade Great Britain if the planned Allied assault on Iraq fails to materialize, informed sources revealed. President Bush, seemingly unable to invade Iraq and unwilling to invade North Korea, is desperate for a...

Pledge of Allegiance Goes Global

A new era in international relations dawned today as the United States Ambassador to the United Nations, John Negroponte, led the assembled U.N. delegates in reciting America’s “Pledge of Allegiance”. Diplomatic commentators expressed relief that the...

Trial by Combat to Decide Florida Gubernatorial Election

The Florida Elections Committee has issued an emergency decree that the neck-and-neck governor’s race will be settled in a “trial by combat” modeled on medieval jurisprudence. The FEC took the unprecedented step to avoid a replay of the contested...

President Reviews New Uniforms for Iraq Inspectors

President Bush put in a surprise appearance at a New York event showcasing proposed uniform designs for the Iraq arms inspectors, demonstrating that the White House has decided to invest its prestige in the U.N. compromise calling for “bold inspections”....

Revelation of Kennedy Attack on Cuba Sways Dems’ War Vote

In the wake of the historic vote giving President Bush unprecedented power to wage pre-emptive war on Iraq, leading Democrats confirmed that the Bush Administration’s stunning revelation that President Kennedy had conducted a pre-emptive strike on Cuba at...

U.S. Promotes Guantanamo Tourism

The U.S. government is pitching America’s heavily-fortified compound at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to travel agents as “The Only Safe Place to Take Your Family”. “American travelers abroad face the threat of at worst terrorism and at best hostile attitudes from...

Saddam's Breath Threatens World; U.S. Invades

In a dramatic TV address, President Bush advised a shocked nation that Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein’s breath had been identified as a significant source of “greenhouse gases” and announced that U.S. armed forces were already driving on Baghdad in a...

President Peaks Physically; War with Iraq Imminent

President Bush is at his physical peak after a year of intensive training and close attention to diet, sources close to the Oval Office confirmed, indicating that an attack on Iraq can be expected shortly. The President’s advisors believe that the...

President Bush to Return to Celebrity Jackass

Responding to the overwhelming ratings success of his appearance on “Celebrity Jackass” - the MTV “reality TV program” featuring well-known entertainment and political figures recklessly performing exciting and potentially dangerous stunts - the White...

Sun to Grow into Giant Red Ball and Consume Earth, Warns Cheney

Demonstrating the administration’s forward posture on identifying and countering external threats, Vice President Dick Cheney went public with a warning that at some future date the sun would consume its hydrogen fuel and expand into a grotesque “red...

New Revelations Fuel Pretzelgate Furor

Today the White House admitted that the president was snacking on pretzels during the crucial August 2001 skyjack briefing, and that the salty twisted baked treat may have prevented him from fully grasping the implications of the highly classified...

President’s Brain Safe at Secret Location

President Bush’s brain is being held at a secure facility housing America’s shadow government somewhere near Camp David, according to reliable sources. It was decided not to take “unnecessary risks” with the President’s brain by exposing it in Washington...

“We Thought Osama Was in There”

The Saudi government revealed today its role in a bold but unsuccessful attempt to assassinate Osama bin Laden as he was inside the World Trade Center, finally shedding light on why the majority of skyjackers involved in the September 11 attack were...

US Government Announces Surrender in War on Terrorism

Confronted with incontrovertible evidence that the world is becoming an increasingly scary and unsafe place despite the thousands of lives and billions of dollars expended in America’s War on Terrorism, the U.S. government announced its unconditional...

Rather Disappointed with Terror War Role

CBS anchor Dan Rather, who famously described President George W. Bush as his “commander-in-chief” today went public with his dissatisfaction with his assignments in the War on Terror. “I feel like I’ve been on KP duty peeling potatoes for the last six...

President Blames Palestinians for Sharon’s Weight Gain

Standing next to an obese and audibly wheezing Ariel Sharon in a Rose Garden press conference, President Bush called on Palestinians to desist “immediately and totally” from criticisms which, he asserted, are forcing the Israeli leader to over-eat to...

Administration Unveils New Strategy in Terror War

Frustrated by the limited effectiveness and immense financial and human cost of the current “War on Terror”, high-level administration officials unveiled a new strategy to exploit the suicidal and destructive tendencies of modern terrorists. Dubbed...

Air Force Two Confiscated Under RICO Statutes

The fast-moving Enron scandal took another twist today as federal prosecutors ordered the Vice President’s official jet seized under RICO conspiracy statutes “as the illegitimate fruits of a massive criminal enterprise”. An outraged Vice President Cheney...