Gay Astronaut Flap Dogs Kerry Campaign
A little-known group, the Organization of Gay and Self-loving Men in Orbit or ORGASMO, made the demand in a press release faxed to major newspapers and media outlets today.
Claiming to represent millions of homosexual and masturbating Democrats, ORGASMO demanded that Kerry honor the Democratic Party’s commitment to diversity and equal rights by reserving slots for gay astronauts who, they claim, “are clearly best qualified to perform prolonged missions in deep space”.
Experts believe that the ORGASMO manifesto may open the door for public discussion, if not acceptance, of gay space missions.
The unacceptable danger of in-flight pregnancy virtually rules out co-ed missions to Mars, which will take more than one year or more from launch to recovery. But the prospect of serial autoerotic relief — whether furtive and ad hoc or scheduled and supervised — on stag space flights threatens to undermine the morale and image of America’s proudly macho astronaut corps.
Requiring the astronauts to remain celibate, though the obvious political and religious choice, is simply not a medically feasible option, commented Dr. Stanley Krumm, Professor of Astromedicine at Cedars — Sinai.
“Sexual abstinence for such a long period would have deleterious physical as well as psychological effects” he remarked. “They could run the gamut from impaired concentration to serious prostate infections”.
The sexual needs of interplanetary astronauts, Krumm believes, “must be addressed, although a presidential campaign may not be the best time to do it.”
The demand spells trouble for the Kerry camp, which is trying to stake out a nuanced position opposing gay marriage but supporting legal recognition of gay unions.
The GOP was quick to attack.
Ed Gillespie, GOP chairman, appearing before a veteran’s group in Charlotte, North Carolina, angrily condemned the call as “the intersection of the worst kind of quota politics and junk science”. He called on Kerry to repudiate ORGASMO and its message immediately.
Even as Kerry attempts to put the controversy behind him, President Bush has already seized the high ground.
Bush also announced an Executive Order establishing “The Presidential Intergalactic Marriage Protection Initiative”. The purpose of the PIMP act is to promote marriage of humanoids “as performed by a competent religio-civil authority” only within species and between genders on all planets that the U.S. space program visits or colonizes.
Copyright 2004 Peter Lee
Peter Lee is the creator of the anti-war satire and commentary website Halcyon Days. He can be reached at peter@halcyondays.info.
