Rush Limbaugh Vows to
Continue Oxycontin Use
Through November Elections

satire
Peter Lee
May 13, 2004
Right-wing talk show host Rush Limbaugh has promised his listeners he will not swear off the addictive painkiller Oxycontin “no matter what the consequences” until George W. Bush successfully occupies the White House for a second term.

“It’s going to take every ounce of my energy and intellect”, declared Limbaugh. “Relaxation, sleep, and sanity must all take a back seat to ensuring that the greatest president of this century gets another four years in office”.

The controversial talk radio superstar brushed aside concerns about the supposedly “illegal” nature of his Oxycontin use, and urged his listeners to join him in “keeping the government out of our medicine cabinets”.

“I am in no way condoning the illegal drug use by people who drive into mixed neighborhoods, roll down their windows, and buy impure back-alley poisons from the black, dirty hands of vagrants, pushers, and welfare cheats” stated Limbaugh.

“The medications I will be using are manufactured in clean, gleaming white laboratories by people in white coats working for some of the most respected corporations in America. The freedom to consume these legal medications is one of the precious rights that we’re trying to hold onto and will be fighting for in the next few months.”

He also proposed a novel way to avoid the legal difficulties that accompanied his previous efforts to obtain the painkiller, reportedly through duplicate prescriptions and the assistance of his cleaning lady.

Limbaugh announced the formation of “Rush’s 100,000 Club”, dedicated to collecting the 100,000 doses of Oxycontin from his loyal listeners he calculates are needed to last through November 2.

Response to his appeal has reportedly been “overwhelming”.