President’s Brain Safe at Secret Location

President Bush’s brain is being held at a secure facility housing America’s shadow government somewhere near Camp David, according to reliable sources.

It was decided not to take “unnecessary risks” with the President’s brain by exposing it in Washington during this national emergency, this newspaper has learned. Therefore, the cerebral tissue was rushed away under Secret Service protection to a massive bunker carved out of a granite mountain somewhere near the presidential retreat in Virginia.

Reportedly, the facility is equipped with state-of-the-art medical equipment and systems sufficient to provide Bush’s brain with mental stimulation and intellectual nourishment “for months if not years”.

Little is known concerning the disposition and activities of the President’s brain. However, people who have seen the brain describe it as floating in “some kind of frothy carbonated yellow liquid” within a translucent container.

Attorney General John Ashcroft indirectly confirmed the reports, saying “We’ve got the President’s brain in a safe place, together with the Bill of Rights and a lot of other stuff, just in case, God forbid, they might be needed in this hour of trial.”