Trial by Combat to Decide
Florida Gubernatorial Election
The FEC took the unprecedented step to avoid a replay of the contested Presidential election between George W. Bush and Al Gore and the more recent vote-counting debacle in the Democratic primary between Bill McBride and Janet Reno.
Democrats looking for an advantageous matchup between McBride, a burly, decorated ex-Marine, and Jeb Bush, whose pudgy physique and pasty complexion bespeak his years as a deskbound executive and politician, were devastated when the FEC announced that ex-Attorney General Reno would face Bush instead.
“The close vote and regrettable mechanical difficulties did not bestow upon McBride the legitimacy he needed to face Governor Bush,” stated Elections Commission chairperson Polly Whitten. Chivalry precluded an armed contest between a military veteran in his physical prime and an elderly woman in the grip of Parkinson’s, so Whitten resorted to an honored and ancient American judicial tool — the ducking stool — to select a Democratic candidate.
McBride’s high body fat betrayed him during the two-day ordeal, held in Miami Beach at the legendary Fontainebleau Hotel. In a clear indication that the pure and holy element of water had rejected him, he consistently floated to the surface despite desperate efforts to reduce his buoyancy by tummy-tucking, rapid exhalation, and timely flatulence. Reno, on the other hand, sorely tested the team of Navy SEAL scuba divers assigned to the trial by rapidly sinking beneath the emerald-blue waters of the hotel’s half-acre pool in every round, and emerged the consensus winner.
Reno learned of her selection while receiving oxygen and treatment for mild hypothermia in the medical tent. Propping herself up on a shaky elbow, she pledged to devote the remaining week before the contest to physical rehabilitation and declared her determination to claim victory in the upcoming combat “for the sake of the people of the state of Florida”.
In her last official act, outgoing Secretary of State Katherine Harris announced regulations for the tournament, which is to take place in Miami’s Orange Bowl on the evening of November 5 and will be made available nationally on a live Pay-per View telecast.
Under the rules, Bush and Reno will be attired as cardboard elephant and donkey pinatas, respectively, representing their political affiliations. The contestants will flail away at each other at the 50-yard line with bludgeons until the loser’s costume breaks open and showers the field with political appointments and government contracts. This is the signal for lobbyists, office-seekers, and interest groups to rush from the sidelines and scramble for their fair share of the Sunshine State’s largesse.
Then, galvanized by a triumphant fanfare, ordinary Florida citizens filling the grandstand will stampede onto the stadium turf to snatch at the tax cut certificates, IOUs for government services, colorfully-wrapped candies, and bright, shiny beads spilling from the innards of the gaudy cardboard beasts.
In a meticulously choreographed finale and fireworks extravaganza, celebrity MC Gloria Estefan will exhort the howling crowd to acclaim the victor and hoot the loser into political oblivion as the costumes are consumed in a gigantic bonfire.
“It’s beautiful, it’s noble — it’s Florida,” said Harris in reviewing the arrangements.
Although the physical capabilities of the two contestants are essentially equivalent, Jeb Bush has graciously agreed that Reno shall employ a modern, lightweight aluminum mace, instead of a “rusty thirty-pound monster” like the one the governor will be wielding. Bush’s antique weapon is a cherished family heirloom, presented by Queen Elizabeth II to his father on the occasion of the first Gulf War.
President Bush will of course be watching his brother’s match closely. During a photo op on the White House lawn, the president was asked if he would personally enter the lists for a trial by combat if the 2004 presidential race turns out to be another nail-biter.
President Bush laughed in reply and said, “No way! That’s what the President’s got the army for.”
On a more serious note, President Bush declared, “When democracy fails us, we must turn to the wisdom of our founding fathers and to the institutions they gave us. Once again, Florida is showing us the way.”
