Saddam's Breath Threatens World; U.S. Invades

In a dramatic TV address, President Bush advised a shocked nation that Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein’s breath had been identified as a significant source of “greenhouse gases” and announced that U.S. armed forces were already driving on Baghdad in a desperate race to save humanity.

Government scientists have recently identified greenhouse gases as a key element in “global warming” - an insidious plot to attack the advanced economies of the West through massive disruption of weather patterns and sea levels. “It’s the ultimate weapon of mass destruction,” said EPA Director Christine Whitman.

A convergence of high-tech forensics, computer modeling, and old-fashioned “humint” or “human intelligence” combined to identify Saddam Hussein as a source of carbon dioxide, one of the most dangerous and destructive of the greenhouse gases, White House sources advised.

A joint task force composed of the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the Department of Defense, and NOAA (the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration), crunched remote sensing data collected by ultra-sophisticated spy satellites and combed thousands of pages of communications intercepts in order to determine the Iraqi dictator’s respiratory tendencies.

Finally, the smoking gun was provided by an ex-mistress of Saddam’s who had fled Baghdad for Boca Raton in 1994. “His breath is pure evil,” she told the CIA agents who interviewed her. “He must be stopped!”

Within hours after the report reached President Bush's desk, the United States and the U.K. issued an ultimatum demanding that Saddam cease breathing within 24 hours "or face the consequences". Faced with the Iraqi dictator's prevarication and refusal to permit suitably equipped inspectors backed up by an Anglo-American armed force to confirm the cessation of his respiration, the stage was set for the declaration of hostilities the next day.

Administration officials expressed relief at the emergence of a clear and compelling casus belli that everyone - “from freedom-loving Americans to two-faced internationalists and lily-livered tree huggers”, in the words of White House spokesman Ari Fleischer — could embrace.

With resistance crumbling in Iraq, speculation is already turning to what will be the next target of what people are calling “The Green Army”. One senior official commented, “What about Castro? He’s still breathing, isn’t he?”