New Revelations Fuel Pretzelgate Furor

Today the White House admitted that the president was snacking on pretzels during the crucial August 2001 skyjack briefing, and that the salty twisted baked treat may have prevented him from fully grasping the implications of the highly classified warning. The revelation promises to re-ignite the public controversy over the President’s snacking habits which first arose when President Bush fainted while consuming pretzels and watching football in January 2002.

Democrats immediately demanded a congressional investigation of the incident, which the White House has consistently opposed as a matter both of national security and executive privilege.

He also stated that President Bush would be hindered in the performance of his duties if he was unable to snack privately free from the fear that his procedures and strategies would become public knowledge.

The White House press office also released a slim pamphlet entitled “What the President Knew and When He Knew It”. The section on snack foods stated that president has always advocated and practiced safe and responsible snacking “since his days serving in the Texas Air National Guard”. Critics of the president have already drawn attention to the fact that President Bush’s college days — when he was rumored to be a reckless consumer of various treats, including some unregulated by the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture — are not covered by this assertion.

Pat Robertson leaped to the President’s defense, saying “I know him as a good and Christian man’. However, the renowned televangelist did condemn irresponsible advisers close to the President who, in his words, “exposed our nation’s leader to insidious foreign foods.”