President Peaks Physically;
War with Iraq Imminent

President Bush is at his physical peak after a year of intensive training and close attention to diet, sources close to the Oval Office confirmed, indicating that an attack on Iraq can be expected shortly.

The President’s advisors believe that the invasion must take place within weeks, before the President loses his edge through overconditioning, a training accident, or a catastrophic drinking relapse as the physical and emotional strain of a year of daily 90 minute exercise sessions take their toll. Vice President Cheney has reportedly fretted, “If POTUS blows out a knee weightlifting, how could the war go on?”

Outside analysts have expressed concern about Bush’s excessive attention to upper body strength, warning “he’s got that Nautilus monkey on his back” and expressing concern that his patented purposeful stride shows signs of deteriorating into an unattractive simian hunch. The President’s personal trainer insisted to reporters, however, that the Commander in Chief is giving “fair and equal attention” to all regions of his body.

It is believed that the president and his trainers are working round the clock to develop a set of genuine six-pack abs on the presidential physique. When revealed, the results will reportedly be devastating.

“When the President shows up in Crawford with his workshirt carelessly unbuttoned to the waist, the war’s over.” Karl Rove has reportedly said. “Not to mention the election”.